My name is Joan Summers, and in unsurprising news, I’m bored out of my mind. And so I’m determined to do something about it.

As many of you know, I quit my job at an extremely prestigious magazine that paid me $1 million dollars a day, at which I would blog 1 million times a day, about anything really. But especially the famouses. You know, those people! They’re right over there, and everyone is talking about them. 

In this once daily practice, I found dredging their online trash to be a methodical and highly spiritual process, one which sharpened my focus and brought me closer to God herself–or a void entity masquerading as a higher power. I don’t really care either way.

Deprived of any purpose in my life these days, as society collapses and RuPaul’s Fracking Enterprise breaches the earth’s mantle, I’ve found myself in want. A hole the size of my own boredom has nearly swallowed me whole, and I must find a way out of this predicament. This new little series will be our mutual attempt at exactly that.

What follows will be a collated list of various scraps and bits and bobs I’ve found in my travels, not important enough to take up podcast airtime,  but interesting enough to fill at least 3 whole minutes from the infinity of my dreary workday. 

Want to come along for this ride? No matter, let’s get started.

This is a photo of Madelaine Petsch, a human person on the hit TV show Riverdale, and one of our best living actresses. We’re so lucky. Anyway, it seems that Petsch is laying down on Astroturf, which seems a sensible solution in this fancy coat of hers. My question, then, is whose Astroturf is this specifically? Is it Madelaine’s Astroturf? Is there a large quantity of 20-somethings made rich by the CW papering over what little greenery is left in Los Angeles with Astroturf? Did she install this Astroturf as a pseudo-Instagram backdrop? Seems sensible enough. 

This is Stassi Baby. No, not the Vanderpump Rules Stassi. That’s blond Stassi, although it would be iconic were proto-Stassi to get cancelled and come back from her exile in The Valley with bimbo-fication surge. Anyway. This is the Stassi Baby. She is a failed actress (allegedly,) a sometimes model, a person on Khloe Kardashian’s Good American Jeans Instagram account, and the goblin woman who lives in Kylie Jenner’s walls. Her favorite brand? Pretty Little Thing, obviously. 

So what’s up with the lizard? No really, why are there some lizards in this advertisement. Is this an attempt at humor, or did PLT do a lizard themed collection. Were that the case, why is she in a nude cardigan-adjacent top-something or other? I’ve spent a lot of time pondering this, and have decided I don’t want answers.

Also, I’d like to briefly draw everyone’s attention to “vasjmorgan” and their heart eye emojis. That name sounds familiar…

Oh right, Vas is one of those Rita Ora adjacent celebrities, who was on… The Only Way Is Essex, I think? Definitely not Made in Chelsea… who cares! I’m more interested in @wematter, a troubling omen in the caption of this post. Before I follow that brief tangent, can I also point out that Rita’s bikini line tattoo is certainly a tattoo, and certainly on her bikini line. 

So I clicked through Vas’ @wematter tag, and lookie here! Welcome to We Matter, a “cause” “founded” by Vas to support mental health. Vanessa Hudgen’s follows the thing, about the only celebrity I could find who did. Not even Rita could be bothered, and she had a whole post dedicated to her. 

Best of luck to Vas on the endeavor! 

Wait. What was that?

What is Eyal Booker doing here? I’d love to know, considering last time anyone saw him, he was screaming and crying with Delilah Belle Hamlin, daughter of Lisa Rinna, in January 2021. The two broke up just recently. Maybe this was an omen of things to come, considering Eyal no longer had a reality television star’s daughter in his life to spark that necessary joy. Does Eyal Booker matter? Sure, whatever helps get this cause of the ground. 

Speaking of famous British people, it’s Gemma, babes! And she’s doing… spon for closet doors? Let’s take a closer look at this caption: 

Look at my fabulous new blinds – @swiftdirectblinds made it so easy! I ordered free samples to help pick the perfect colours, customised my blinds online and used the SwiftTrack Service which ensured the blinds arrived the very next day. I chose stylish Blackout Roller Blinds for my windows and skylights and Perfect Fit wooden blinds for my bi-fold doors – they just clip straight into the window frame and are SO easy to install! All Swift Direct Blinds come with a 5 year guarantee and if you’re afraid of making a mistake when measuring… don’t be, they offer a SizeSure Guarantee so if you measure wrong you’ll get a replacement blind for free = amazing!

If you’re looking for blinds too, use my code GEMMA10 for £10 off when you spend £100, this offer is valid until February 2nd 2022. #sharewithswift AD

She used the SwiftTrack Service! It ensured her blinds arrived the very next day, and even let her choose the stylish black roller blinds for her windows and skylit and perfect fit wooden blinds for her bi-fold doors!! They are SO easy to install.

Thanks Gemma, and deborahquinn1, who commented: “you look like Khloe kardashian”

And now a word from Lady Gaga: “Sending you peace & joy. Gratitude from the sky to the center of the earth. Radical love like a cocoon all around you. Today will be spent dreaming 🌱”

Oh look! It’s Shangela! What’s Shangela doing. 

Hi Amber Riley!

Now that you’ve all had a good look at Shangie and Amber, let me take you on a quick detour: The year is 2025. Ryan Murphy is dead or disappeared, and Matthew Morrison has retired to open an antique chair store somewhere in Arkansas, forever cleansing the earth of this menacing presence. Suddenly, a phone rings, and its [Unnamed Streaming Service] calling you, Joan Summers. They want you to revive Glee. Shangela has been optioned to replace Will Schuster after he was run over by Klaine in-universe. 

Just a thought. And with that, I’ve just one more sentiment to share, before my lunch break ends and I’m called back to the corporate mines.

I love gay people! See you all next week, and the week after that, and maybe even the one after that too.