Society If We Cared About Straight Men

/ The following has been transcribed from a radio signal of unknown origin, shortly following the collapse of 21st century global civilization after Maddy Morphosis’ appearance on the international Drag Olympics. /

Broadcaster: Heterosexuals: Ever heard of them? I feel like I’ve only just now learned of their kind, when they crawled up out of the ground and immediately began a full-scale invasion of gay bars and television shows across the planet. Early reports indicate there’s no hope left for gay society. Our leaders have abandoned us, the colony ships stuffed with our most moneyed and prestigious homosexuals have long since ejected from low-Earth orbit. To those of us left in the apocalyptic wasteland of society, now that the United States of World of Wonder is no more… I must ask. Where did these heterosexuals even come from in the first place?

One moment. I see one approaching, and I’m low on shotgun ammo. God damnit, where’s my axe?

[static interrupts the broadcast]

Broadcaster: Apologies for the delay, those things bleed quite a bit. Where was I? Oh yes. Heterosexuals, the great terror of our time. Faceless, de-yassified individuals bereft of any queer inclinations. At first, the invasion was almost imperceptible. Twitter users would comment on the growing number of zombified patrons at local establishments. Soon, the de-sexualised queer cafes were burnt to the ground in rioting, an early casualty of the cold war. At the 2020 Drag-lympics, viewers watched in horror as the champion lip syncer, Maddy Morphosis, announced he had a partner of the opposite sex. A newscaster for a local affiliate even threw up on air, so horrified at the notion.

Now, this next part isn’t too clear. Did the heteros burn down Grindr Universal Comcast’s offices first, or did Cockyboys Incorporated shutter its nearly two thousand Glamazon convenience stores for fear of nationwide riots. I myself only took note when an Uber Eats driver cancelled my Drag Queen Brunch order. Only later did I see their white Ford Bussy burning on–

[more static and a low, gutteral roar interrupts the broadcast again]

Broadcaster: Apologies. Thought it was dead. My stiletto finally did the trick.

In the months following the collapse, running from bunker to bunker as the invasion swarmed across North America, I’ve asked anyone and everyone a single question. What even do they want? What use is there in destroying society at all, with nothing left to rule over in their wake. Is destruction the answer? An orgy of blood and death and revolutionary Taylor Swift propaganda pamphlets fluttering down onto bombed out streets? 

I think back to the over-eager bloggers that breathlessly covered the hetero’s rise. Those who wrote tearful screeds at the “hope” for a future where men and women of all “sexualities” could compete at the Drag Olympics. How excited we should feel when one of them was elected to the board of the most powerful governing body on the planet, The United States of World of Wonder.

I wonder if they survived the first wave, eyes wide and teary at the realization of their all-too optimistic futures. Were they crushed under the churning mass of Shein dresses and “sports” jerseys? I’d like to think so.

[more static, punctuated by booming explosions and unidentifiable screaming]

Broadcaster: [breathing heavily, voice tense] Hello all, apologies for the interruption to our last broadcast. It appears that FGT-1 and FGT-2, the largest of the colony ships, has re-entered earth’s orbit in rapid descent. Rudimentary analyses done by our weather team has confirmed there are fires throughout the main thrusters and life support sectors. We suspect sabotage.

One of the ships, FGT-1, is rapidly closing in on E4F News’ camp, where we’re currently stationed. Already, it’s immense size has blocked out the sun, and they suspect impact in a matter of minutes. If there’s anyone still left out there: Run. Run for your life.

This has been Joan Summers with E4F News. Goodnight and good luck, now… sashay, away.

[transmission ends]

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