Bored Out of My Mind At Lisa Rinna’s Ugly Party

My name is Joan Summers and I am once again bored out of my mind. Nobody finds this very surprising, least of all me, while I sit posted up at Lisa Rinna’s disco dance lip kit party.

If this entire charade can even be described as such.

It’s a new week, with lots of silly little happenings in Tinseltown and abroad. Whether you’re at work, or an influencer’s failed beauty brand launch, or even huddled under the covers, praying for the sweet release of death while waiting for the latest episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City–let’s be bored out of our minds together

If it seems like I am obsessed with Lisa Rinna this week… I am. Here she is at a party? Event? Dancer floor? If I were to make an educated guess, I’d assume this was a filmed gathering of paid central casting strangers for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, on which Rinna is still a cast member.

There’s a lot to talk about with this look, most notably the matching sequin pant and top set. Leave it to Rinna to make expensive clothes look like pajamas. Shall I even broach the topic of the bundles she had sewn in? I think we’d all live a happier life if I didn’t.

There is one lingering thought I’m left with. For the life of me, I cannot decipher where on earth this photo was taken. There’s a building in the background–that much is obvious. But what’s with the ceiling of Dollar Tree balloons? Strange. It’s all so strange.

At least Rinna Beauty now sports an official mission statement: “BIG.ICONIC.LIPS. ALL THAT GLITTERS.” I read once that you can summon the devil if you say it five times fast.

Everyone wave to Victoria Justice! No particular reason, except to let her know we’re all very glad she survived a near-fatal encounter with actual crocodiles, as documented in this harrowing carousel of photos from her January exploits.

Alligators? Crocodiles? I should call in an official statement from @gatorsdaily.

Bethenny Frankel has coined new class of human this week, in a discovery that sent shockwaves through the anthropological communities. The award winning scientist and cupcake entrepeneur revealed early findings on what she has dubbed: “non plastic surgery non filters naturally beautiful.”

Early critics of her study say her claim that she belongs to this exclusive subset speaks to the weakness of her data sets, while still others hold out that the first massive scientific discovery of 2022 is already upon us. Eat your heart out, James Webb Telescope!

Xtina is in her goth era. Ooky spooky kooky!

Bimini Bon British Vogue! Look at this pussy bitch, posted up against expensive wallpaper with a “come fuck me sis” fringe and her best secretary sugar baby drag. It’s giving international supermodel, it’s giving space ghost coast to coast, it’s giving me the will to push on through these next few posts.

How far did Salma Hayek have to scroll for this picture, do y’all think? It’s certainly not recent, with that plum lipstick and Orange County-esque camisole wrapped around her like the 2008 financial crisis.

This lady is also very rich. Maybe an assistant went looking for it.

Can somebody tell me what the fuck this lady is holding! Is it an expensive box of chocolates exclusively designed by Rick Owens? Perhaps.

If I’m being vulnerable with you all, though, I did briefly think she had stuck her finger inside a protein powder container. The kind the worst men we all grew up with would hall around in their Acuras. I bet Kimmy has, at one point in her storied life, dated a man who drove around with protein powder in his Acura. “Hold on babe, I need to move the pile of white can monsters and gym clothes before you can come in here.”

Romantic! Just the story I like to preface my Valentine’s Day with.

If we lived in a just society, Janel Parrish and Madelaine Petsch would star in a big-budget comedy about literally whatever. This lady has put her whole entire life on the line to give us the best television has ever had to offer, and for what? For Youtubers to make six hour “video essays” on why she was the most iconic Pretty Little Liars character a decade after the fact?

Get a grip! And give this hero a TV show.

If somehow the people who follow this blog are not also regularly on the feeds of former Love Island cast members, I’m doing this job wrong. This is Lucinda Stratford, a person famous for being broken up with almost immediately. Here she is in someone else’s Mercedes, with rose gold accessories and rather tacky looking Air Force Ones.

I’m talking around the obvious because I have too much respect for everyone. Call it a curse or a blessing! I really don’t care.

Because I’m feeling generous, I’ll leave you all with a meditation on the life and legacy of Miss Tammie Brown, captured quite elegantly in the above work of art… #nationaltreasure #queenwithacause.

See you all next week!

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